The Boston Strangler: 3 Short Stories

My last boyfriend and I dated for a year and a half. And within the first month I had some great stories.

• On our first date, we were talking about past dates and I mentioned some of my all-time worst dates. Of course, I refer to the guys not by their birth name, but by whatever nickname I had dubbed them. Some of my favorites include “The Finisher,” “Fangs,” “Love Rob,” “Rob #2,” “Fig,” and ”Krimpet.” He asked what my nickname was for him and I said that didn’t have one yet. That he hadn’t done anything dub-worthy. Throughout the date, he asked a few more times if I had come up with anything and sadly, I hadn’t. Fast forward to me dropping him off at his car and we ended up making out like high schoolers. He goes to move the hair from the side of my face and said, “I really like your neck. I’m not going to strangle you or anything….I just really like it.” Cue me laughing so hard I nearly wet myself. He continued, “Oh! Oh GOD. No…..I did it, didn’t I? I named myself. What is it? Oh fuck…” I said, “HAHAHAHHAHAHAH YES!!!!!!!!! And thus he was dubbed…..the Boston Strangler.”

• On one of our first sleepovers, I went to move a pillow and found a device under it. Since it was dark, I said, “What is this? What am I touching? OH GOD!!!!!!! WHAT IS THIS?!??!?!? Is this a headlamp?!?!?!? What the….FUCKER! What were you going to do with…oh god…..were you going to go SPELUNKING IN MY VAGINA?!?” He was dying and simultaneously trying to tell me that no, in fact, he wasn’t planning to go vaginal spelunking, he used it to work on his computer in bed so he didn’t have to get up and turn the light off. 

• After 2 bottles of wine one night, we decided to play Wii sports. He was doing the fitness test and in the midst of returning tennis serves when his forehand SHATTERS a glass of red wine across my white carpet. I started cracking up when he turned around to say, “FUCK. OH GOD. I am so sorry………….Did I return the serve, though?” We were on our hands and knees trying to scrub out the stains with some tonic water. Luckily I remembered I had some carpet cleaner so we just sprayed some on and vacuumed it out. The best part was about an hour later, we were just chilling on the couch and as he was in the midst of a story I lost it. I started laughing so uncontrollably just picturing the glass shattering that I needed to run to the bathroom and wipe my tears away.