I play in a kickball league. We had a date auction and I volunteered to sell myself for charity. The only people who bid on me that were not on my team were two lesbians. And they didn’t have enough money to make a real bid. This is the questionnaire they sent out to get more information about me so they’d have something to say while I was on stage.
Nickname: “Helium” because I blow things until they explode. [I should note that there was one day when I volunteered for the bar olympics after a game and the challenge was to blow up a balloon as fast as you can. The person who blows it up fastest (or until the balloon explodes) wins. I won all 5 rounds.]
Dream Job: Taste testing new flavors at Ben & Jerry’s
Favorite Position: Left field. Where my sudden and inappropriate comments come from as well.
If you could change your name to a certain food or condiment, what would it be? Honey Brown (as in, the beer)
What alcoholic beverage describes you best? Tequila: looks innocent enough, but an hour later you have your top off and no idea what hit you.
If you had the power of invisibility where would you go and what would you do? A McDonald’s ball pit and Sesame Place water park since I’m too old to be seen there. Also, I’d never pay to see a movie again.
If you had the power to get rid of one state, what would it be and why? Connecticut. It would make my drive back to see my family in NJ 3 hours shorter.
What Jersey Shore character are you most like and why? Can I opt to be the director who just yells, “Do something slutty!” and encourages the characters to do stupid things? I’m good at that.
If you had to star in a brand new reality TV show, what would it be called and what would be the plot? “The Couchsurfing Tourist.” For a year I’d sleep on random people’s couches and travel the US from coast to coast.
If you could have an affair with a celebrity who would it be and why? Zach Galifianakis. Because we’d spend the entire date naked and laughing at each other.
If you woke up one morning and realized you were a man, what would be the first thing you did? Go to Dunkin’ Donuts, buy a glazed donut, and play ring toss with myself.
Have you ever had a stalker or been a stalker? I was stalked in 4th grade by my first boyfriend. He used to do drive-bys (on his bicycle) and made people move at the lunch table so he had a clear view of me. His persistence paid off because I let him kiss me. He is now a professional comedian.
What’s the most dangerous/daring thing you have ever done? Paraglided off a mountain in Switzerland.
What is your favorite electronic device? The one I keep in my nightstand. Also, my camera.
If you could name a Stump Trivia team after yourself, what would it be called? “Blind Men at a Shooting Range” because even though we all try hard, we never take home the prize.
Have you ever not made it home after kickball? No.
What is your most embarrassing date story? After a first-date, the guy asked if he could “finish” in my bathroom. True story.
Name your top 5 turn-ons
1. Nice teeth
2. Likes to cook
3. Can make me laugh to the point of almost peeing myself
4. Is outdoorsy
5. Chest hair
And top 5 turn offs
1. Bad teeth
2. Still lives with his parents
3. Sleeps on an air mattress
4. Back hair
5. Is terrible at kickball
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