ThursDATE Reunion

When I lived in New Jersey, every Thursday I’d hang out with a college friend (Homer), her mom, her gramma, and another orphan, Jackie. We’d have dinner, some girl talk, page through “Us Weekly” and watch shitty TV like “Joey” or “Skating with Celebrities.”

Last Sunday I had a reunion with my old ThursDATE pals.

While we were sitting around, I asked about one of Homer’s mom’s friends and the guy she was dating when I moved two years ago. Homer said they’re no longer together but that she’s engaged and currently expecting a baby with someone else. When I asked what happened to the old boyfriend, Homer said, “He um (looking at her grandmother), he um, well, he was watching a lot of porn.” Mom-mom said, “What?” (because her hearing isn’t great and she wears hearing aids) Homer looked at her mom and said under her breath “oh god,” then, ”Mom-mom, HE WAS WATCHING TOO MUCH PORN.” Homer’s mom chimed in with, “well he was doing video chats too” and Homer said under her breath “well I’m not telling Mom-mom about that, YOU can tell her he was jerking off on camera.”

Later in the day, I got changed to drive back up to Boston and put on a shirt my college roommate gave me. In big letters on the back it says, “Have you had a chubby today?” And on the front, there’s a logo and location for “Chubby’s Tacos.” I showed it to Homer and her mom, they laughed. Then the other Thursday orphan, she laughed. But then…Mom-mom wanted to see it. So I stood in front of her so she could read it and she said (keep in mind she’s 70+), “What’s a chubby?”

Homer and her mom fucking LOST it. Mom-mom was still in the dark and said, “What? What’s a chubby?” At this point, I looked at Homer and her mom and they both said, “Nope, this is all you. Your shirt, you explain it.” So I had to tactfully find a way to say it. I paused and said sheepishly, “It’s…um…a euphamism for an erection.” Unfortunately, Mom-mom’s hearing isn’t so good and said, “What?” Homer said loudly, “YOU’LL HAVE TO SAY IT LOUDER SO MOM-MOM HEARS YOU.”

So I had to yell, “IT’S A EUPHAMISM FOR AN ERECT PENIS.” And the laughter started all over again, only that time 8x louder than it was before. Mom-mom said, “Oh, is that what a chubby is.” I tried to change the subject and say that I bought a shirt for the friend who bought me this shirt and it says, “Super Duper Weenie” and I bought it at a hotdog place. She taps me on the arm and says, “I know what a weenie is….”