Background: I saw this event on a social calendar and thought, “Oh! A Halloween-themed burlesque show! How fun!” I mentioned it to my friend Roxie, a fire spinner/fan dancer who has performed at events with circus-folk, because I knew she appreciates that kind of performance art. Her response was, “I saw this group once before and they’re terrible.” Then…I saw tickets for $7. I forced her into it. As we ate dinner and talked about the upcoming show, she saw their title “The Best Burlesque Show in New England.” She said, “Yeah, that’s because it’s the ONLY burlesque show in New England.
The event: We walked in and took some of the remaining seats at the back. There were three women singing and walking around the YMCA “theater.” We’re talking something that looks like a grade school auditorium. The guy in front of us looked like a real-life Sideshow Bob with curly hair in a triangle. Unbeknownst to us, but it would block portions of the show for Roxie. And it would creep me out when he would turn sideways and smile toward me (I ignored it mostly, but Roxie said he was plainly ogling).
Act 1: As the woman paraded onto the stage accompanied by what sounded like an uplifiting German death march, Roxie excitedly whispered, “Ohh! That’s the one with the C-section scar!” Ah…it was going to be that kind of show. I can only echo Roxie’s description by saying this woman looked “dead inside.” She looked like Frau from Austin Powers and gave off the same amount of icy indifference. As we watched her, I felt sort of bad about getting coupons to the show since it was obvious she was working to pay off some kind of debt to keep her kid in a good school. Or to pay off her 1997 Ford Bronco.
Act 2: When I watch burlesque, or shows with various-sized women, I always try and see which one shares my same shape so I can think about what I’d look like up there. I mentioned this to Roxie, then pointed and said, “That one reminds me of me. The one with the tranny face.” Sure, she could stand to lose a few pounds, but when she got those tassles to swing in circles, no one cares about her little pooch of belly chub. And if the tassles didn’t do it, it was probably focusing on one of the two faces this performer was capable of. Shocked (open mouth, saying ‘Ahhhh’) or pursed (think Jessica Rabbit with a tortilla chip stuck in her throat). At one point, this chick played a maid who was caught by the woman of the house (Frau) who spanked her with a flat-backed hair brush. I wanted to look, but each time I did, I felt one of my slowly dropped eggs scramble back to its safe place in my ovaries.
Act 3: Hands-down the most disturbing. And beautiful. A really well done piece. A ballerina (who could slice open envelopes with her shoulder blades) danced to something that sounded like it came from Nightmare Before Christmas. Also, she was wearing a porcelain mask which gave her a serial killer feel. Like she could strangle you with her ballerina shoes or something.
Act 4: “The Countess.” In any story about Cinderella, you will find this woman. Haughty, thinking her shit doesn’t stink when no one will tell her is that she has some shitty toilet paper stuck to her shoe. She came out in some sort of corset before whipping part of it off, displaying her mammoth breasts both in front, and bubbling up from her back. Apparently, the corset was a bit too tight and this woman was like soft serve ice cream being jammed into a kiddie cone.
Act 5: Oh God. The tranny is back. And this time, she was pretending to inject herself with heroin. People were enjoying the show (minus Sideshow Bob who was staring back at me again) when Roxie pointed out, “Recreational drug use with heroin is hilarious!” And I agreed. Kind of disturbing. I mean, very creative to tie your two elbow-length silk gloves together to make a cinch, but maybe going a little bit overboard on creative license. Also during this act was my favorite strip-tease method. Tranny took off her gold-plated heels and started rubbing them up and down her leg. Doubled with the fact that this woman was squatting on a couch in the same pose as pinching off a Lincoln log in her toilet, I was entirely not impressed. I had to bite my lip from exploding into laughter because all I could think was, “women are inherently sexy. Anything we do could be sexy. And you’re rubbing yourself with a shoe? You might as well replace that with a Renaissance Faire turkey leg because at least that’s believable that you’d want to make love to a piece of fatty meat.”
All in all, just terrible.
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