Movin' on Up

It’s September, in Boston, which means two things:

1.) Our population drops back down to 617, 594 (according to the 2010 census) and all the summer tourists leave (not in one giant flock — good Lord I can’t imagine the gridlock)
2.) Our population grows by 260,000 due to the influx of college students arriving/returning to their campuses.

The 100 colleges and universities located in the greater Boston Area all have a fall semester which means one thing: students need apartments by 9/1.

This means…there’s a statewide moving day. With so many students moving on 9/1, the majority of leases are September to September, regardless of if you’re a student or just a resident (like me).
Since this was my 6th move (not counting college, when I moved an additional 8 times — 4 into the dorms, 4 back home), I’m going to share some wisom.

• Rob a liquor store: Seriously, I can’t even believe people pay money for moving boxes. Your local liquor and grocery stores are always willing to get rid of some cumbersome, yet sturdy, boxes perfect for moving. 
• Hoard, at least for a little while: You know those weekly grocery fliers? Yeah, I squirrel those away so when it’s time to pack up all the kitchen dishes/plates, I have plenty of stuffing. You can also steal a stack of packing paper from Ikea, but my method is lazier.
• Stock up: Say it with me, you can never have enough packing tape or markers.
• Be early: If your Uhaul truck reservation is at 10, call at 9 and see if there’s a line. This year, my roommate was 20th in line. Needless to say, our 10 am truck reservation was more like a noon reservation.
• Don’t hulk out: I know how tempting it is to grab GIANT boxes and fill them with books and other stuff. Think about what you can realistically carry and go with boxes that are shorter than the length of your arms. And for shit’s sake, don’t pack an entire box full of books. Half books/half socks, trust me.
• Wear sneakers: Or at least closed toe shoes. Why? Because you could drop a bureau on your foot when you’re wearing flip-flops and you could lose a toenail. Yes, it hurt.
• Never underestimate pizza and beer: One of these days I’ll be able to afford movers. But until then, cast a wide net of your friends and beg them to help you. Free pizza is great. Visa gift cards are even better.
• Label, label, label: As you’re putting things in the boxes, write on the outside what’s going in. Otherwise, after you seal it up you think, “OH crap. What’s in there? Some mixing spoons….and a salt shaker? Yeah, that sounds about right.” At this point, I have no idea where my black belt is and I’m afraid it’s packed in with my cookie sheets. Lesson learned.
• Keep your drawers: I learned a valuable lesson once, and that was, “Why unpack your dresser drawers? You can just pull them out, load the dresser, then put the drawers back in. Less time, less effort, less space.” As Michael Scott would say, “Win-win-WIN.”
• Secret stash: Make sure you pack all your private matters together. And make sure YOU carry it out to the truck (or better yet, to your car). No one needs to know what kind of kinky shit you’re into. (Sorry I made a comment about the condoms in your bathroom container, Gretchen. Even more sorry I did it while Mom was standing there.)
• It won’t fit: If anyone knows of a way to pack wrapping paper, lamps, pots and pans, plants, mops and brooms so they’re not all flailing around in the back of my car, please tell me. Because right now, I just face the fact that there’s going to be at least one carload of shit that just won’t fit in boxes.
• Go on vacation: Or at least trick yourself into thinking it. Pack a suitcase with all the stuff you need for daily life for a few days. That way, you have all your medication, makeup, and some clothing to get by while the rest of it is still in boxes.
• Throw in the towel: Recognize that after moving you will be exhausted. So even when a friend invites you to a housewarming, don’t try to fool yourself into thinking moving won’t be that bad and you can still make the party. It will. You’ll be so exhausted, the early bird special won’t even be a possibility.
• Fake yourself out: Give yourself a fake deadline. Because stuff ALWAYS comes up before you move. And there’s nothing worse than having friends show up to help you move only to walk in and find you sorting papers from junk drawers (yes, Kristi, I’m referring to you here).
• Clean up after yourself: This is just a common courtesy my mom ingrained in me. I’m incapable of leaving a place with dust bunnies and sticky counters, EVEN THOUGH I KNOW the landlord will have cleaners come in. So please at least vacuum (even if your evil roommates used the vacuum to suck up dog poop, which was left in the vacuum bag and has now made the room smell like burned dog shit. Their problem. Not yours.).
• Reduce, reuse, recyle: At this point in my life, I’ve lived in so many non-standard apartments that I’ve acquired a floor lamp; shelves; containers and drapes, all of which I may or may not use again. Should I toss it? What if I move again and I need said floor lamp; shelves; containers or drapes? I’m carting this crap around, moving it from place to place and the reality is, I may NEVER need a bathroom shelf. Or a floor lamp. So it’s time to say goodbye and let someone else start carting it around.
• New furniture is expensive: I don’t own any new furniture. Why? Because the Captain moved my bureau down the front steps of my old apartment in a cartwheel style (or as my dad would say, “Ass over head.”) There are scratches and pieces of wood missing from it due to all the other moves. Now is not the time to start caring about how banged up my furniture is going to get. I once heard, “Once you buy furniture with a payment plan, you need to start getting movers.” (copyright Kristi C. 2011). Do I have money to get movers? No sir. Do I want my new stuff getting banged up by people getting paid in pizza? No sir. No new furniture for me.

Ok kids, that’s all for today. Now get out there and move! move! move!

Back to School

According to Facebook, today is the first day back at school for a lot of students. And for them, I have some advice.

For my gradeschoolers:

• Forget the power tie, get a power outfit. My first day of school was always brought about with the fanfare of new shoes and a new outfit. One of such would be my power outfit that I would wear while walking to school/waiting for the bus. It made me feel confident. It made me feel cool (I could convince myself successfully, until I stood next to the other kids). 
• Treat yourself (or ask Mom and Dad) to new school supplies. It helps get excited for the school year if you have new pencils and pens. A new lunchbox is a bonus.
• As much as you might want to, do not bite the little, rectangular Spain erasers. It’s about as gratifying as biting into a blob of Silly Putty. 
• Rubber cement may not actually be cement, but it’s still not meant to be close to your face. My former classmate Randy E. can attest from when he rubber cemented his eyelashes, that Elmer’s was not fucking around when they invented that. 
• Again, as much as you might want to, “four on the floor.” Do not tilt your chair back or you will fall backwards and hit your head on the chalkboard ledge, a la Kristin D. 
• Do not let boys kiss you under their desks. Tell Chris S. to go stuff it. 
• Be extra nice to the loners.
• Don’t make fun of other kids’ clothes (I’m totally guilty of this, despite the fact that my mom dressed me as a fancy pilgrim). 

For my high schoolers:

• Before you start high school, ask one of your friends’ older sisters to take you to Sephora for a makeover. You will learn what makeup is, how to use it, and what looks good on you. These will be valuable tools and they’re best learned when you’re 14. Not 24. (Like I said, your FRIENDS’ sisters. Because mine was busy being a collegiate hippy to offer any fashion advice).
• Join, join, join. My brother’s advice was, “Join the band and tennis. Both of those groups practice at the end of summer. By the time school starts you’ll know a few more people.” These people were all nerds, but I didn’t know that yet. 
• Find out what “Key Club” is. I joined it three years in a row and still had no idea.
• Give yourself fake deadline dates so you’re not up until 3 am typing a paper about Shakespeare and nervously waiting at 6 am while your dad proofreads it while drinking his morning coffee.
• Be friendly with your teachers. See them after class. As my dad said, “With so many students, which ones do you think the teacher will be likely to grade easier? Names without faces, or names he can associate with someone?” I realized the wisdom in this in high school when Mr. Hughes gave me a D in Algebra and said, “You’re welcome, Z.” 
• Senior year, do NOT try to run for student body president. You WILL get stuck planning every reunion from here to eternity.
• Forget going to the prom with a guy you barely know. Grab your friends, get ready together, and head to the prom as a band of lovely ladies. There’s nothing worse than getting all gussied up only to spend most of the night sitting in a chair because your date doesn’t like to dance.
• Be nice to your parents. They’re still funding you. And one day, you’ll even be friends again. 
• Hang in there. High school is awful. I hated it. But grit your teeth because the best years of your life are right around the corner. 

For my college students:

• Good luck with that first-year roommate. I was told recently that kids now check each other out on Facebook and the like to get a sense of if they want to room together. Well I have news for you — Spank and I were complete strangers freshman year. And now we’ve been friends for 13 years. People who come to college as best friends and room together often don’t work out. There’s no formula in finding a perfect roommate. 
• ALWAYS. YELL. SHOWER. WHEN. YOU. FLUSH. Otherwise you’re just an asshole.
• Set fake deadlines so you don’t find yourself skipping a final exam in order to drive to 3 nearby libraries to do a book comparison that was assigned at the beginning of the semester. 
• Find yourself a helpful college adviser. My first adviser suggested I take a language class. This would’ve been helpful advice, had I not already taken TWO language classes. My second adviser told me honestly whether I should pursue a master’s degree in English (“It’s a fucking waste of time. Get out there and get moving on your portfolio.” Thanks Nechas). 
• Get an internship. Get two internships. Get as much experience as you can while you can afford to do it for free. Think big and really do it, rather than becoming a reporter for your local newspaper, which will give you great writing samples, but you will most likely grow to hate after covering your 9th high school graduation. And the antique tractor pull at the Farmer’s Fair.
• Eat as much cereal as you can fit into your stomach. Man I miss the cereal bar. 
• Find the gym on campus and use it. Spank and I signed up for Step Aerobics with Robin and it was a turning point in my life. Since then I’ve been on again, off again with the gym, but it was then that I recognized how good it felt to work out and that I should do it more often. 
• You’ll learn to love beer. It may not happen right away, but it’ll happen when you run out of money. Sometimes learning to love beer coincides with free beer, like when Spank said to the Budweiser promotional girl, “Yeah I’m drinking Miller Lite. It was cheaper. If you gave me Budweisers for free, we’d all be drinking that.” And then we were blessed with 4 ice cold beers. 
• Take pictures. Lots of pictures. These were some of the happiest memories when I was really learning to be myself and forming friendships with lifelong friends. Also, it’s nice to be able to go back and say, “You hooked up with who?!?!? Oh I have a picture of him!” 
• Call your parents. At least once a week. They’re still funding you. 
• If you have younger siblings, invite them to stay with you. They think the world of you and an invite to stay with you at college is like getting an invite to the Oscars. You live by yourself! You cook (frozen chicken patties in the toaster oven)! You’re surrounded by friends (who are taking bong hits in front of your 12-year-old sister)! You’re the coolest!
• Join the Housing staff. For no other reason than you can sneak things into the dorm and not fear getting caught. 
• Recognize if you’re a morning person. Take some 8 am classes and take some night classes. See when you function better (hint: I am not an 8 am class-taker). 
• Talk to your teachers after class. Raise your hand (and if your friends make fun of you for being “that kid,” sit in front of them and continue raising your hand). 
• Four words: waffles and ice cream. Enjoy. 
• Remember the joy of care packages for the rest of your life. Getting a letter or a trinket in the mail will make anyone’s day better. 

Happy schooling!