Back to School

According to Facebook, today is the first day back at school for a lot of students. And for them, I have some advice.

For my gradeschoolers:

• Forget the power tie, get a power outfit. My first day of school was always brought about with the fanfare of new shoes and a new outfit. One of such would be my power outfit that I would wear while walking to school/waiting for the bus. It made me feel confident. It made me feel cool (I could convince myself successfully, until I stood next to the other kids). 
• Treat yourself (or ask Mom and Dad) to new school supplies. It helps get excited for the school year if you have new pencils and pens. A new lunchbox is a bonus.
• As much as you might want to, do not bite the little, rectangular Spain erasers. It’s about as gratifying as biting into a blob of Silly Putty. 
• Rubber cement may not actually be cement, but it’s still not meant to be close to your face. My former classmate Randy E. can attest from when he rubber cemented his eyelashes, that Elmer’s was not fucking around when they invented that. 
• Again, as much as you might want to, “four on the floor.” Do not tilt your chair back or you will fall backwards and hit your head on the chalkboard ledge, a la Kristin D. 
• Do not let boys kiss you under their desks. Tell Chris S. to go stuff it. 
• Be extra nice to the loners.
• Don’t make fun of other kids’ clothes (I’m totally guilty of this, despite the fact that my mom dressed me as a fancy pilgrim). 

For my high schoolers:

• Before you start high school, ask one of your friends’ older sisters to take you to Sephora for a makeover. You will learn what makeup is, how to use it, and what looks good on you. These will be valuable tools and they’re best learned when you’re 14. Not 24. (Like I said, your FRIENDS’ sisters. Because mine was busy being a collegiate hippy to offer any fashion advice).
• Join, join, join. My brother’s advice was, “Join the band and tennis. Both of those groups practice at the end of summer. By the time school starts you’ll know a few more people.” These people were all nerds, but I didn’t know that yet. 
• Find out what “Key Club” is. I joined it three years in a row and still had no idea.
• Give yourself fake deadline dates so you’re not up until 3 am typing a paper about Shakespeare and nervously waiting at 6 am while your dad proofreads it while drinking his morning coffee.
• Be friendly with your teachers. See them after class. As my dad said, “With so many students, which ones do you think the teacher will be likely to grade easier? Names without faces, or names he can associate with someone?” I realized the wisdom in this in high school when Mr. Hughes gave me a D in Algebra and said, “You’re welcome, Z.” 
• Senior year, do NOT try to run for student body president. You WILL get stuck planning every reunion from here to eternity.
• Forget going to the prom with a guy you barely know. Grab your friends, get ready together, and head to the prom as a band of lovely ladies. There’s nothing worse than getting all gussied up only to spend most of the night sitting in a chair because your date doesn’t like to dance.
• Be nice to your parents. They’re still funding you. And one day, you’ll even be friends again. 
• Hang in there. High school is awful. I hated it. But grit your teeth because the best years of your life are right around the corner. 

For my college students:

• Good luck with that first-year roommate. I was told recently that kids now check each other out on Facebook and the like to get a sense of if they want to room together. Well I have news for you — Spank and I were complete strangers freshman year. And now we’ve been friends for 13 years. People who come to college as best friends and room together often don’t work out. There’s no formula in finding a perfect roommate. 
• ALWAYS. YELL. SHOWER. WHEN. YOU. FLUSH. Otherwise you’re just an asshole.
• Set fake deadlines so you don’t find yourself skipping a final exam in order to drive to 3 nearby libraries to do a book comparison that was assigned at the beginning of the semester. 
• Find yourself a helpful college adviser. My first adviser suggested I take a language class. This would’ve been helpful advice, had I not already taken TWO language classes. My second adviser told me honestly whether I should pursue a master’s degree in English (“It’s a fucking waste of time. Get out there and get moving on your portfolio.” Thanks Nechas). 
• Get an internship. Get two internships. Get as much experience as you can while you can afford to do it for free. Think big and really do it, rather than becoming a reporter for your local newspaper, which will give you great writing samples, but you will most likely grow to hate after covering your 9th high school graduation. And the antique tractor pull at the Farmer’s Fair.
• Eat as much cereal as you can fit into your stomach. Man I miss the cereal bar. 
• Find the gym on campus and use it. Spank and I signed up for Step Aerobics with Robin and it was a turning point in my life. Since then I’ve been on again, off again with the gym, but it was then that I recognized how good it felt to work out and that I should do it more often. 
• You’ll learn to love beer. It may not happen right away, but it’ll happen when you run out of money. Sometimes learning to love beer coincides with free beer, like when Spank said to the Budweiser promotional girl, “Yeah I’m drinking Miller Lite. It was cheaper. If you gave me Budweisers for free, we’d all be drinking that.” And then we were blessed with 4 ice cold beers. 
• Take pictures. Lots of pictures. These were some of the happiest memories when I was really learning to be myself and forming friendships with lifelong friends. Also, it’s nice to be able to go back and say, “You hooked up with who?!?!? Oh I have a picture of him!” 
• Call your parents. At least once a week. They’re still funding you. 
• If you have younger siblings, invite them to stay with you. They think the world of you and an invite to stay with you at college is like getting an invite to the Oscars. You live by yourself! You cook (frozen chicken patties in the toaster oven)! You’re surrounded by friends (who are taking bong hits in front of your 12-year-old sister)! You’re the coolest!
• Join the Housing staff. For no other reason than you can sneak things into the dorm and not fear getting caught. 
• Recognize if you’re a morning person. Take some 8 am classes and take some night classes. See when you function better (hint: I am not an 8 am class-taker). 
• Talk to your teachers after class. Raise your hand (and if your friends make fun of you for being “that kid,” sit in front of them and continue raising your hand). 
• Four words: waffles and ice cream. Enjoy. 
• Remember the joy of care packages for the rest of your life. Getting a letter or a trinket in the mail will make anyone’s day better. 

Happy schooling!