Being In Heat

Weddings are fun (for me, anyway). Unless they land on the hottest day of the year and nearly break the thermometer at 105 degrees like last Friday.

I went to a wedding a few days ago and despite having been to 3 other summer weddings in my life, this one was definitely the hottest.

My brother’s wedding (August 14) took place in a beautiful church on his (and his wife’s) college campus. Problem was, there was no AC in said beautiful church. I very clearly remember my brother, renowned for rarely breaking a sweat, reciting his vows in a full suit with sweat beads literally dangling on the end of his stately nose.

My sister’s wedding (August 5) photographer had a tough job. Not only did she try to take classy pictures inside my parents’ home (which looks like the inside of a Cracker Barrel — “Can you maybe move the umbrella stand? And the antique sock stretcher? and the glass tarantula?”), but she also attempted to take pictures outside (which looks like the set of “Sanford and Son” — “Can you move those lawn mowers out of the way? And that tractor windsock?”).

As if that wasn’t enough of a challenge, my dad and sister are profuse sweaters.  At one point, I said jokingly, “Want me to towel her off?” And she said, “Yeah, that would be great.” So I was dabbing my sister’s sweaty face with paper towels in between pictures.

My cousin Jeffrey’s wedding (July 20) was outside on a lake. Which would have been great, had it not been 90 degrees and in the direct sun. For an hour. And a half (with pictures).

But THIS wedding, took the cake (har har).

a.) While attempting to get dressed in a semi-air conditioned room (the breaker had blown), Justin's friend’s dad walked in just as I had pulled my shirt over my head. And to that I say, you’re welcome, Sir.
b.) The ceremony was outside, on the water, under a tent and under 15 minutes long. Score. The reception was half indoors, half on the balcony, with a breeze. The problem, is that even when there was a breeze, it felt like someone was standing too close and breathing up against you like in a crowded elevator.
c.) The bride wore a floor-length gown AND left her hair down.
d.) The groom wore a seersucker suit. For those unfamiliar, “Seersucker is woven in such a way that some threads bunch together, giving the fabric a wrinkled appearance in places. This feature causes the fabric to be mostly held away from the skin when worn, facilitating heat dissipation and air circulation.”

Except when you’re getting married and it’s 105 degrees. In that event, the seersucker suit forms wet patches where it brushes the skin, as it did for this groom. Let’s hope the photographer is great with photoshop, because no one should look at pictures from their wedding and say, “WHOA! My SHINS were sweating!”

And with that, I end this post with a plea: For all my friends and relatives yet to get married, October! October is a nice month, right?!